The following Wednesday night, I left the library while passing by the willow tree out in front of the building. As I traveled by it, a shadow stepped out in front of me. “Do you want me to walk you home?” he asked sincerely.
I jumped before I realized it was Nick who had startled me, “Oh, I didn’t see you. You scared me! There are a lot of creeps that hang out here at night.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. Am I one of them?” he asked.
“I hope not,” I sarcastically remarked. “Though, it would be nice not to walk home in the dark alone,” I thought for a minute. “But what about my husband?”
“So you weren’t joking when you said you were married?” Nick questioned.
“No, why would I joke about something like that?” I scrunched my face in confusion, flirting a bit.
“I actually thought it was your way of saying you weren’t interested in me,” he seemed a little down as his voice lowered during his reply.
My face became serious, “I wouldn’t not be interested in you. I just thought you were being friendly.”
“So does that mean that you are interested in me?” Nick’s eyes grew wide with curiosity.
“That’s really hard to answer,” I tried to hide my smile. My nerves were getting the best of me. I was never very good in situations like this, especially with men.
“How about we become friends? I’ll introduce myself properly.” Nick held out his hand for me to shake and I reluctantly reciprocated. As our hands interconnected, I felt a warming sensation throughout my whole body. “Hi, I’m Nick. It’s nice to meet you…What’s your name?”
“Erin,” I whispered, portraying my true lack of confidence.
“Erin,” Nick placed his other hand around my hand like he wanted to hold on as long as possible. He stared deeply into my eyes and as hard as I tried, I couldn’t look away. I felt magnetized by his gaze like he saw me. Not just me, but me. The real me, the little firecracker that I am and always try to hide. “It’s very nice to meet you, Erin,” Nick repeated my name like he was trying to memorize this very moment. I never wanted to forget it. His hands were so soft and perfectly fit into my own. I wanted to cherish and hold on to this feeling of complete vulnerability. Just owning my true self and allowing another human to have even just a glimpse of it.
“I don’t really know much about you. I just learned your name last week when you already knew mine.” I wasn’t the type to walk home with a guy I hardly knew, let alone, a guy at all. Heck, I wasn’t the type to even talk to a guy. But he was so intriguing. I had this underlying desire to immerse myself in his attention. He had a way of making me feel noticed.
“We’ll get to know each other better on the walk home.” Nick grab his bike and walked next to me, holding on to the handle bars. I didn’t refuse his suggestion. He was a stranger, yet oddly familiar. I stared down at his hands, remembering how much I wanted to hold them. I buried my desire to touch him as I fidgeted with my own hands. I barely knew him, but I wanted to dive into him and fully know him. The ability he had to elevate me drove me mad with passion and I needed more of it.
I stayed quiet and waited for him to speak first. Silence didn’t make me feel awkward, but talking did. It was so much easier for me to let someone else do the talking. “So, how old are you?”
I hesitated, “What do you mean? That’s a bold question to start a conversation with. Not to mention, not a question one would usually ask a woman.”
“Well, you’re married, and I didn’t expect that. You look a lot younger.” His eyes concentrated on me craving the answer. I worried that my answer might change his view of me.
“I married young,” I paused. “How old did you think I was?”
I wanted to see him sweat. My anxiety was put at ease as I saw him cringed a little, but not as much as I had hoped. He seemed so confident and smooth. There was a peacefulness about him that I longed for. My own inner being raged like an ocean storm. “Like 21?” Nick paused with a gulp. “At least, I was hoping you were at least old enough to go out for a drink with me.” He added with a smooth tone.
“Oh. Thank you, I guess? It’s nice to hear that I look younger than I am. And how old are you?” I blurted out without skipping a beat. I surprised myself at my lack of dead air.
“You never told me your age, but I’m not shy. I’ll indulge you. I’m 23.” Nick stood up straighter and puffed out his chest with confidence.
“Wow. I’m not sure you want to know my age, it might frighten you.” I cringed my face a bit at the thought of how he might react.
“You’re cute when you’re nervous. Try me. It won’t change my mind about someone as beautiful as you.” His smiled widen with his eyes following with sparkling crinkles.
My cheeks felt warm and I knew their color must by changing. “Umm…add 10 years to yours.” I closed my eyes for a moment and peaked out with caution.
“Huh.” His eyes were about to pop out of his sockets.
“What is that suppose to mean?” I felt defensive like I was being judged. I usually felt like I had to defend everything about myself, including my existence.
“It means you are wise, experienced, yet youthful-looking for your age. If anything, knowing there’s a decade between us intrigues me even more and makes me want to get closer to you.” I blushed as Nick snickered a little as he leaned in closer to my proximity.
“What?!” I shrieked. The higher tone in my own voice surprised me and caught me off guard. I actually sounded like a girl. God, forbid!
“I like you,” Nick said holding back his snickering through a wide smile. He grabbed my hand and cradled it. I froze. He was so direct. Most guys wouldn’t come out and say those exact words, but he was also bold enough to ask if I had a boyfriend and how old I was, so should it really surprise me all that much? Nick stopped walking as well and continued to hold his bike with one hand. “You’re different than other girls, Erin. It’s like you’ve survived more of life.”
“Thank you. But my years are also more than most of the girls you know.”
“I don’t even know that many girls, unless you count my mom, who is definitely older than you,” he paused and released my hand. He had a way of lightening up serious moments. I liked that. My seriousness often got the best of me and took most of the joy out of my life. Nick and I began walking again in synchronization. “It’s not just that, though. There’s something in your eyes. I saw it the day I met you. I couldn’t stop starring at your face. You are so beautiful.”
“Girls must like you, you always seem to know what to say to make a lady feel special.” I placed my hand upon my cheek and felt the blood rushing to my face.
“Aww, girls usually don’t notice me,” he waved a hand in the air away from himself. “I’m that skater boy that always gets into trouble just because of how I look.”
“I know playing parts too well. I was always the quiet and studious girl who always had to get the highest grades. If I didn’t, I felt like a failure. I put so much pressure on myself for so many years. If it helps…I like the way you look.” I stared up into his eyes searching his soul.
“That’s sweet of you to say. How did you handle all the pressure?” Nick asked.
“I didn’t,” I replied. “And I still don’t function well.” I stopped myself from saying any more. My heart was screaming for emotion, a listening ear, or even a simple hug. Most of my life, no one would listen to me so I got used to bottling up my emotions.
As we walked in silence for a while, the sound of crickets filled in the gap. “My house is just around the corner, so we should probably say goodbye here. My husband is the jealous type and I don’t want him to get the wrong idea.”
“What kind of idea would that be?”
“You know,” I raised my eyebrows.
“And what’s so wrong with that?” I blushed a little and smiled nervously.
“Goodnight,” he whispered as he slowly pushed my long chocolate strands behind my ear. Chills ran down my back as he gently touched my skin. His touch felt so gentle and kind. I had never felt anything like it.
“Night,” I said. Longing for a kiss or warm embrace, I held myself back. I was married after all. But in my heart, I had been divorced a long time ago.
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